numb with the terror of losing my best friend
againnnnnnn.
apparently i've changed a lot, says those people who live with me. i think i keep shedding layers & layers of apathy.
in attempt in deleting out specific parts of my memory, i deleted all the files--& it sucks, to not even remember or recall the best of times.
i don't even know where i stand.
i want his warm, but i know it will only make me colder when it's over.

so why do i keep pressing the issue?
why do i keep relentlessly pushing & shoving?
because of all the things i miss
aka, you.

it's not healthy, i know.
we selflessly party together, i know.
so in the efforts of being civil:
                    let's have a toast to the lists we hold in our hands of the things we promise to                
             do differently next time.

i keep getting shot in the back.
maybe i'm too busy running from the lesson. 

so everything i'm writing here has the same story line.
minus the rising action
minus the climax
minus the resolution
minus everything that really matters in the efforts of a good book.

i keep gunning toward some imagined bliss.
my apologies.